nariel minyatur

Indeed, the

Philippines

in Zambales but then came a slight turn of events so we decided to go for Plan B. To tell you the truth, when I learned about it I became a little upset as the amount of bucks I have could go only for the original plan. Being a full-time student surrounded with yuppies make you feel like a perennially broke individual y’know. And then big-hearted Noyli and Jayson came to the rescue and so suddenly we were all thrilled at the fruition of our most fervent fantasy of a long vacation.

We took the night trip, slept most of the time, so the 11-hour bus ride didn’t really gave us a pain in the arse. hehe. In the morning though, we were able to get a glimpse of provincial folks living in houses oblivious to the fact that they’re almost in the middle of nowhere and their rural way of life. Way too much simpler than people living in the city. If you see it, either you go wishing your life was rather just as simple as them or you’d be grateful that you had this stressful yet fulfilling job to make you feel important. After a series of wacky misadventures, (yes, series not just isolated ones) we finally got to see the illustrious and almost flawless perfect cone beauty of

Mt.

was kind of surreal. I mean after seeing it too much only on elementary textbooks and postcards, its real life perfect glamour could easily rub out all your acquired cynical conjectures about it. So what else is there to do? Of course we took pictures of ourselves with it. But you see, sometimes trying to capture everything in a still image never do justice. Certainly, there are things that are meant to be experienced with your full senses. There were kids there who were trying to show tourists how to make illusions out of their pictures. It was fun.

Now since time is a lost friend of ours (blame one of the wacky misadventures), we took off right away and head ourselves off to Donsol, Sorsogon. We got there late in the afternoon so we decided to spend the night off doing something that doesn’t require much energy. I’m telling you we have this collective excitement building up for every hour that pass as it gets closer to the time that we’ll be meeting the gentle giant, Butanding. (FYI, this is the biggest whale shark in the world) And so, that evening we went off firefly watching at some river. (Sorry, forgot its name) and boy, did we saw thousands of them. Full moon, firefly-lit river while on a boat and the incredible stillness of the night, it was stunning.

Enter next day, this time we couldn’t hide our excitement. We hurriedly got ourselves ready, immediately hired skin diving equipments, even skipped breakfast and almost in no time we were already on the boat with our Bioman, Mang Gerardo. Just in case you’re wondering, Bioman is a nickname for Butanding Interactions Officer. Now as we were happily listening to the tales and accounts of Mang Gerardo, the Spotter in the middle of it announced a sighting which aroused us off our seats and gone berserk. It was all too fast. Now this chronicle is just the tip of the iceberg for me, since all the while when this is all happening I have a little battle of my own going inside me. I don’t know how to swim. It’s my first time in open water and my first time to go snorkeling. What motivated me to do it, only heaven can tell. And so with a life vest on I jumped in, (I could tell a good story just by this phrase, pm me if you wanna hear about it) leaving all my worries and fears on the boat. ok, not exactly my one hand was tightly clasped around Mang Gerardo, never letting him go. security blanket y’know. Hehe.  And alas! I got to see the famous whale shark. It was unbelievably huge and  so beautiful and I was smitten. There was an undeniable force of animal magnetism that he/she somehow exudes and I couldn’t help but to succumb to its allure. And then I whispered something to him/her telling how thankful I am for letting me bask in her awesomeness for the few moments we had. For three hours, we were able to see the Butanding four times. Quite friendly huh?  This experience left us all captivated, overwhelmed and rejuvenated. To me, it is a giant experience. It really is. After that, we found it really hard to leave Donsol. To get moving, we conivinced ourselves that this won’t be our last. After a hearty lunch, we got ourselves ready for another long ride off to

Caramoan

It was already late when we got the ferry boats station that will take us there.

Now as if to balance our beautiful experience at Donsol, this time we were out of luck. Our planned island-hopping to these islands were ruined by what-perverse-stroke-of-fate-would-arrange-it so that the popular reality tv show “Survivor” was shooting there at the

Gota

to get to it. But by golly, Aguiringan is nothing less of a paradise. It was an unspoiled haven in every sense of the word. No hotels, no houses, no electricity, no bathrooms just a little comfort room which apparently is not a bit comfortable. It was wild! We arrived there at about 8pm-ish and there were probably around only 20 people on the whole island. I almost couldn’t describe the feeling when we got there. Imagine a windswept island, a desolate white beach under a star-filled and full moon-lit night surrounded by calm sea and the whispering mountains. It was almost magical. I’m glad we didn’t entirely lose heart over the Survivor thing. Indeed, good things come to those who hustle. After being mesmerized and calmed down by this island’s charms, we decided to kill nothing but time and spent the night off exchanging stories we promised to leave there. Hah. And then something happened, while I was having my call and response to the moon in appreciation of its mystery and companionship, suddenly ­­­________’s face was there gazing and smiling at me and oh, I think just winked at me. Lovely. I blew him a sweet little kiss….  Ok, that really didn’t happen. I just made that up for the romantic suckers. haha. Sorry. What did actually happen was in fact I have been seriously attempting to arrange and re-arrange the stars, which by the way looked so untidy that night. Go figure. ;)    

Anyhoo, lying on the sand made me feel like the Earth was caring for my being there as if massaging my spirit and that I was absorbing some of its energy while I’m slowly adapting to this way of life. I’m stoked to be here. Yabba Dabba Doo!

It was not long after that Noyli and I, along with Jayson and Jhoms felt it has gotten seriously cold we decided to end the moonlight-staring contest and shelter ourselves in our temporary encampment. Tin and Jil were already dozing off.  Now this is definitely part of the adventure. Remember, there were neither houses nor hotels here, and our “co-islanders” have brought their own tent and we have none. And so we settled ourselves with the little cottages they have here. And OMG, it was friggin’cold. We didn’t get much sleep, understandably. But after seeing much beauty, we’ve tolerated our fair share of torture until the wee hours of the morning. We were up early and was blessed enough to witness this majestic treat for the senses. I have always liked this time of day when the earth in the morning had a night to cool off in the darkness and how before the sun actually comes up there’s this enjoyable period when the Earth is lighting itself up anxious to get spinning again.  Suddenly, I just wanted to take hold of time, nail it down and keep myself at a standstill. It is just too pretty around here. I took a moment to take it all in before I split again. I tried to capture the moment in my head determined to carry these memories back to mainland. And I did.

For this season of drawing hearts, I’m officially back to my old tricks again. Trying desperately to be romantic with my true love, writing.

Fun Fact: Birds choose their mates in Mid-February. hmmm..

I’ve read somewhere that St. Valentine is honoured for continuing to marry lovers without the approval of the Church. He was busted and beheaded on the 14th of February.hence.

Anyhoo, I’m writing because I made this an awesome realization that it’s never too late or too early to really start sharing and stop feeling so shy and foolish about loving myself or another. Y’know how we sometimes get caught up in trying to understand how it works? Well, come to think of it. It’d be much easier to just love love love love.

I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m in love? That’s funny. Of course I am. With you, silly. with Science for Sleep, with my three cute little puppies I only get to see on weekends, with internet cafe’s that’s open till 2am, with new vocabularies (sybarite, banter, baxter, euchre), with the moon (I’ve been thanking her for being a friendly stalker for years the same way I thank my lucky stars), with my coffee now grown cold, with cheesecakes and for being able to wear a silly grin and when asked why, just shrug.. with everyone that’s patient and allowed me to grow, adjust, regroup and fall in love while I tolerated my fair share of torture.

Anyhoo, whilst being bombarded with pre-packaged romantic bliss of speed dating and other love-for-sale activities, let me at least throw a Happy Beheading greeting to you and your loved one(s).

And for loners like me, may you be successful in finding your bird.

Your Valentine if you don’t have one,

lady-loves-a-lot

other possible title for today’s entry:

*the more I’m single, the more I blog about it. (toinkz!) :p

I’m glad I’m still in the learning process. I’ve always believed that it is indeed ourselves that is our greatest nemesis. and thank goodness I’m figuring all this out again.. there’s plenty of work left for betterment.

happy that we can always snap back at life’s disappointments and say: "sure I suck, just give me some time and watch me kick your ass later!"

For some time, I feel had the experience of filling up with the feeling of falling deeper inside of myself, then floating further back out. that I was flying in some imaginary cloud and running my fingers against the sweetness of it all where fear just disappeared, and Faith was seated right beside my heart and doubt was unmasked as nothing more than just a harmless jester.

I then made the resolution–to let the self-writings finally fill my empty page in the world’s book, saying that Yes, I too have a space in this place! I’m the shy woman-child springing into skittle-blue sky and I’m…gliding.. :p

And isn’t it crazy how the world chooses to answer as soon as you really ask? As a gypsy soul, I must have faith that the stumbling blocks are for a reason (or perhaps I’m just paying off my karmic debt?) maybe it’ll all become clearer as I continue to unloosen my fruitless control on everything, including myself.

I confess I’m a bit scared as I haven’t been listening to my inner voice for a very long time– it’s become barely more than a whisper and I strain to hear it, but it’ll get louder soon..

I hope.

I was about to get real busy and then chase that flurry of hurry when my friends since high school planned a trip to Puerto Galera. It was definitely not in my plan. But in my mind, I knew I was still short of my healthy dose of rest and relaxation. I’m dreaming of being lost in paradise on a private tropical island. And so, not surprisingly, at the last minute I decided to pack my things. During travel, we barely spoke with each other. we were all tired I guess or trying to reserve some energy for what lies ahead. Upon alighting from the ferry boat, I immediately took off my slippers, my feet aching for the feel of sand. It was only then that I felt I was really away from the city, and from all the routine.

At around noon, my good friend and I decided to take our thirst for solitude a li’l further. We took long walks until we reached the end of the island and walked again to reach the other end, as if those long walks were a metaphor for me in wanting to leave something behind.

Evening came,  and this is where the heart of the story came to unfold. We went to Coco Aroma bar, drowned ourselves with a pitcher of "Mindoro Sling", and the band started singing Bob Marley originals. I knew then it’s gonna be a magical night. I danced the night away until the music relaxed my whole being and realizing that someday I would know the answers and will blow my expectations away. It was a liberation. I’ve never felt so free like it since I can remember. It was almost a total surrender to the inner spirit. abandoning all fears, doubts and traces of feelings of insignificance I never even knew I had. sometimes I close my eyes, trying desperately to be more in commune with the sea and the air I was breathing that moment. I open my eyes, look up in the heavens and the blanket of stars seemed to envelope me with the comfort of its strangeness.  Needless to say, it was full of wonder. I knew, again that I was in love. Maybe I fell in love with his voice or with the songs played that night, maybe it was the ambience of the place, or perhaps the affair of the moment of throwing myself out there at the right time. some cosmic connection maybe. And I wonder why I’ve never been here before and when i’ll be back. I wonder if the sound of the waves will be just as gracious the next time.

yes folks, the new season is bestowing itself upon us as we speak.. It’s that time of year again where we brush off those traces of enmity and hum a new song instead, spreading holiday cheer and yuletide gaiety. I’m beginning to love this time of year. At first I thought it was solely because of the much anticipated furlough but nay! I realized it was more from the overwhelming amount of love I’ve seen all year out that makes me smile. I’m pleased at how accepting the world has been with everyone and honored to be surrounded by so many loving and lust filled individuals and band of merry men (and women) that I’ve learned so much from and looking forward to more.

This year I am most thankful for… dimmer lights, secret hiding places, fresh flowers, warm hugs, pillow fights, scented papers, hot tubs, amiable roommates, Jason Mraz concert, new vocabularies, rational conversations and silly gabfests, free rides, free dinners, unlimited texting, job experience in a government office (hopefully I get another one this year!) , animal hugs, air-guitars and lip-synching when I’m alone, corner coffee shops, Providence, McDonald’s breakfast meals, sleep-overs, afternoon siestas, moon-staring contests, beat the clock challenge, bathroom concerts, hot morning baths, last full shows, sneak previews,  passing a subject I was so sure I failed, white sands, sunrise and sunsets, skylines, midnight snacks, late night conversations,  digicam shots, borrowed strengths, Conspiracy, Xaymaca, pianos and acoustic guitars, Jewel in the Palace, Eat Bulaga antics and their wacky knock-knock jokes,   perfectly delivered punch lines, heartfelt and belly laughs, stuffed animals, old photos, Sunday evenings, fast internet connections, Friendster, You Tube, blogs, Cynthia Alexander Band, German silent films, Nick Joaquin literary works, slippers, extra cheese, fruit shakes, empty seats at LRT, certain OPM bands, getting to a class late only to realize the professor isn’t there yet, mp3s and ipods, chill out music, unexpected smiles from strangers and cute guys J, lonesome traveling, free toothpaste, small but meaningful chats, fair weather, Chapstick, documentary films, April Fool’s day entitling you to at least one fool’s day prank, declared holidays…

I would also want to send a special separate thanks to all Filipino ambassadors of goodwill, hard-working professors and teachers especially those in public schools and those who teach in indigenous areas, statesmen ( there should be at least two or more left), fearless journalists and media personalities, daring militants who stand up for truth, equality and justice, uncompromising politicians, for the environmentalists and animal rights advocates, film directors who dares to present social issues of immediate concern, striving artists and musicians eager to compose and contribute their own piece, human rights upholder, pinoys emerging from super typhoon “Milenyo” like it never happened, bright minds and young professionals who opt to stay put in our country despite the meager salary, daring souls as opposed to the “shouldabeens”, honest and courteous taxi/jeepney drivers,  decent law enforcers, and all government officials who hasn’t betrayed our trust, for the pinoys who are quick to respond in food drives and extending cash/service donations for our less fortunate fellow countrymen. We best be taking care of each other. Our country’s financial fund is in disarray, no thanks to the fake public servants holding key positions in our government.

Anyway, I’ll continue to be thankful for the morning stretches, poetry readings, quarter moons, fresh breath, tears of joy, sneezes, cakes and ice cream, guacamole, tuna sandwiches, green tea, spontaneous ideas, unplanned rendezvous, and perhaps next year for my the knight. Pun intended.

I could go on and on and never finish this hoo-has…But all these are written to make one essential point. No matter what the situation is, there will always be at least one thing that we could be thankful for. It took me awhile to learn that because of well, I felt like I was losing it at around last quarter of this year. But hey, in the end you realize it was all really a matter of seeing things. I’m glad I’m in this  deep shit right now of not really knowing what to do with my life. It makes me realize how unimportant I was and some of the things I do. Awful things happen all the time. It’s upto you if you let it kill you. The answer of course is you don’t. It is really having faith that everything has a higher purpose.

With that I leave you with big hugs and high fives all around. kudos to those who choose to see the world in rose-colored glasses instead of seeing it in a gray manner. May your lineage multiply from this year onward. Let’s keep the ghetto safe from scoundrels.

Happy Holidays!

Joyeux Noel!

What is it inside the imagination that keeps surprising us
At odd moments
when something is given back
We didn’t know we had had
In solitude, spontaneously, and with great joy?

– a poem by Charles Wright

Here I am I’m sitting alone again I’m staring up at the sky which at this lonely moment is my only friend suddenly as I gaze upon the night I notice the stars began to shake and dance and fall into the darkness

They exploded down. I knew what I had to do. I ran up to the top of the hill and took ahold for you

The galaxy that lived inside your eyes was in need of a brand new shining light.

I wished to the dark sky up above that all I had was to be captured and willingly turned over to you..

Take this blindness away from me and let me bask inside your golden sea.

I never ever knew such simple astronomy could ever come to me by ways of the heart.

Here I am I’m sitting alone again I’m staring up at the sky which at this lonely moment is my only friend suddenly as I gaze upon the night I notice the stars began to shake and dance looks like they wanna fight

No way they were dancing. They were romancing.

Falling in love all over.

—jason mraz

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

How did it come to this? It seems that life is slowly spiraling down to a state of bland existence… neither irritating nor stimulating…

How does one become passionate about something? Whether it be on loving someone intensely, fighting most deeply for one’s belief or pursuing one’s lifetime dream…

I can still hear Al Pacino’s words saying, “You are what you’re after…”

Methinks that I’m somewhere perfectly in between of being neither happy nor sad. Ain’t that a tragedy itself?

Am I driven with my ambitions? But what are ambitions anyway but a speck of an ephemeral emotion that merely nourishes selfish motives…a cheap thrill ride that may cost one’s entire lifetime maybe worthless if gone wrong…

what is something not worth living for..or dying for…

what leaves someone with an emptiness of the soul?

I used to know what differs, now I can’t even remember.